BUCKTIN: 'Family values' politician laced granddaughters' ice-cream with cocaine

Republicans love to say they’re the party of “family values”.

Enter James Edwin Yokeley Jr, chairman of a North Carolina elections board, who police say laced his granddaughters’ Dairy Queen ice cream with MDMA and cocaine.

Nothing says wholesome conservatism like turning dessert into a rave.

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At first, Yokeley claimed the girls just stumbled on the pills in their cones, but CCTV revealed it was grandpa himself adding the “special toppings”.

The children didn’t eat them, thank goodness, but Yokeley still faces charges of food contamination, drug possession and felony child abuse.

The Republican campaign slogan is usually about “protecting children”. Yet here’s one of their own, serving up cocaine sundaes like it’s the kids’ menu at Studio 54.

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A husband who staged his own watery disappearance to run off to his foreign mistress has been jailed for exactly as long as he pretended to be dead.

Wisconsin’s Ryan Borgwardt, 45, vanished at a lake, sparked a manhunt, then popped up alive abroad.

Prosecutors asked for 45 days, but the judge decided on 89 - the precise number of days Borgwardt was “late for dinner”.

He told the court: “I deeply regret the actions that I did that night and all the pain that I caused my family and friends.”

Shame really, for a man who went to such lengths to disappear... he’s now stuck where everyone knows exactly where he is.

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An Arkansas cop thought he’d struck gold when he found a vial labelled Opium in a man’s car, only to discover it was Yves Saint Laurent perfume.

Kapil Raghu still spent a month in jail before the mistake came out.

His wife said: “They knew when they opened that bottle that it was a bottle of cologne.”

Turns out the only crime committed was against common sense, and maybe personal taste in aftershave.

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Police in Iowa say Kristin State tried to outsource her sobriety test - by asking strangers at a petrol station to blow into her car’s interlock device.

When officers arrived, she insisted she hadn’t been drinking… despite watery eyes, slurred speech, and a blood-alcohol level of .351.

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Salt Lake City’s Krystal Frugal proudly calls herself the “queen of Doomsday”.

While the rest of us panic-buy toilet roll at the first sign of trouble, the 37-year-old is sitting on a stockpile that could keep her family of five fed through wars, inflation, or the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

She grows 800lb of fruit and veg every year - potatoes, peppers, peaches, the works - then cans, preserves, and rotates her pantry like a Michelin-starred survivalist.

And just in case fresh produce isn’t enough, she’s got freeze-dried rib-eye steaks, mac and cheese, chicken nuggets, and even pumpkin pie that can last up to 25 years.

Forget your zombie apocalypse survival guides. When the end comes, the real plan is simple: find Krystal.